Do you see what I see?

as the dates for my first exam in the university draw near, i have reached a startling realization about myself - i did go through a period of panicking and i did pull myself through it one way or another. time has gone by and i have changed a lot, but one thing has not changed about myself. and i guess i'm better accustomed to my own principles now and i know how to balance it out a little bit better. the truth is whenever i'm about to give up and settle for the least - i slap myself in the face and say "hey! you can't do that!" and just like that i pick myself up again and get ready for the next run. in most every aspect of my life, i can't and will never settle for the average. the only thing you should know about me is that despite all that, i am pretty much a peaceful person.

here's a Socrates word - a motivation a day if you will to keep myself going coz i just can't give up.

In every one of us there are two ruling and directing principles, whose guidance we follow wherever they may lead; the one being an innate desire of pleasure; the other, an acquired judgment which aspires after excellence.

to all my beloved friends - all the best! let's strive for the best we can and the best that can become of us. i love you all and couldn't never have gotten here without you - just want you to know that!

cheers :)

wow it's true. i've come to know myself a little better. i do hate it when people keep saying i'm doing okay when i'm screwing it up quite badly. i guess gone were the days when it was depressing with the Mistress came in and poured down on your head a good doze of ice-cold demoralizing speeches. guess it might have served its purpose as some sort of pep talk right now.

well the truth is i don't need the demoralizing - neither do i need sugar-coating the reality. i just need to know it for myself. between emotion and motivation - there is one thin line that pulls you through it - how badly do you want something - perhaps i used to be more ambitious - now my ambitions have gone several ways. i've seen more of the world and realize the things i used to deem noble and worth pursueing appear a little bit selfish, a little bit pointless, a little too within-the-box.

so where does the balance line? i've got to get there first before i want to do the things i really want to do and grant people the things on their wish-lists. is there only one way to do it? i guess given the circumstances - yeah, that seems to be the only way. at least for now.

so what the hell, i'm gonna work my ass off and one day i'm gonna show the world - yup you can only afford certain attitudes when you get some where.

to the hard work - that hopefully is going to pay off!!!! i'm sorry but i just got to let out some steam.

i guess if there is one thing i'm really good at - it would be investment. sometimes it is just better to know that if you've done your part right, you can rest assured it all will fall in to place. but well i guess there is one part of my life that i should just sit back and relax and let the fate take control for a while. sometimes when you're pushing too hard for one thing you're pushing it further away from you. you think to yourself you want one thing but in your heart you want another. perhaps it's more peaceful and simpler to keep that person in that light. no matter what you should never loose a friend. the thin line between love and friendship should not be one that is to cross or uncross - but rather something that can blend and mingle - a little here, a little there - after all it is just that wonderful feeling of companionship - the bright smile on your face when you see that person coming towards you - it doesn't matter if you're his or he's yours - it matters that you know you are happy when he is happy and the mutual understanding that i'll always be your friend.

on a different note, let me just share a verse from 1 John 3:18 - "Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth". i guess there is no use thinking, talking, nurturing that passion without actually doing anything for the people you love. after all those small or big gestures that you do to make their days, it is the sweetest, most comforting feeling - well it sounds a little selfish here - but after all, we, little children, are all rewarded by giving love - it's just God's incentive - coz we're just little children anyway. :)

it is paradoxical sometimes to look into the current state affairs and suddenly have that oh-my-god realization in your head. here is what i've come across yesterday starting at some overwhelming long physics equation: "an education that is intellectually vigorous is not necessarily intellectually stimulating". a good student needs to be both hard-working and intelligent, but more hard-working. a good learner just needs to be curious enough. i used to be a lot more curious about things and ambitious about things. i wonder where did all that go? do i just want to do well? or do i want something else? i used to be so much more fascinated by the knowledge of something - now it's just a tad less into the dreary routine. oh dear, where did all the sparklings go?

another day passed by. for some of us, it's the usual waking-up, quick shower, rushing to the bus stop, catching yet another series of classes and meals and eventually some sleep when the night falls. for some others, it calls for a little more than that. it calls for a little bit of reflection. a little bit of searching your soul - for some fragments of memory that for one half, you hope you could remember so clearly that it gives you a direct answer, for the other half, you hope it could be blurred somehow by your biased brain so that you could leave most of the story to the benefit of the doubts.

either way, i guess we should be brave and face the truth. i know what the truth was. i know it for myself. but i just don't like the what-ifs. there are so many things that could have happened. yet there are so many things that have happened that you probably would not want to trade off.

so should we just give up looking back and look forward instead? should we just take for granted the fact that what happened in the past can't be changed and what is more important is what is going to happen in the future? do we know exactly where we are heading towards?

well i guess the answer is that we should still look back. because admit it - we are not perfect. we will at some points in time make mistakes - or on a more serious level - make wrong decisions. of course every decision has reasonable justification to be a good decision on hindsight - because we have respectable strength, pride and perseverance to push through no matter what. but if we fail to look back, we would never know if something we have done was a mistake. and we might go on making the same mistake again.

sure facing your wrong decision isn't exactly an easy thing. in fact, it is one of the hardest thing you have to do in your life. you've got guts if you could face it so blatantly and not fringe at your own judgement.

but what can we do? we should be brave, shouldn't we?

but i know for sure there is one thing that we should not do when we look back on the mistakes we've made. that is to point fingers. sometimes we point fingers at the circumstances, given A, B and C, i've got to choose D. sometimes we point fingers at the fate, as the Gods throw the dice, i've got to kick up my heels and go one merry round back to exactly where i started. worst still, sometimes, we point fingers at other people, even at people whom we love and treasure the most in our lives. sometimes... we even point fingers at ourselves and live the rest of our lives thinking it was the biggest mistake and it was years of our lives we never get back.

so now what do we do in all these situations? it makes us feel horrible. not exactly the type of horrible that makes you kick the chairs, punch the glass windows and scream out side the backyard. its the type of horrible that is eating you, and is slowly soaking it, damaging every single relationship you have had with the world. its the type of horrible that makes your tongue grow bitter, your outlook a little gloomier, your faith shaken for life...

shall we not do that my friend? look, i was there, you were there... we both know what really happened.... if you have to point finger at me, if i have to point finger at myself, yes i will bow down, even kneel, to tell you it was my mistake and you deserve better... but of course, that is always what i would do.... because you were important to me.. every decision you make, matters to me too... sometimes, you can't see yourself even through the best reflection in the mirror... you just need somebody else to be the ex-factor that makes you want to jump that extra yard to get something that you yourself really want...

so that was what really happens... and come to think about it... you might end up just as good as whom you want to become... so why fuss now?

optimism isn't about wearing the smiley-braces on a daily basis and have a good dose of joy every night. optimism is simply the courage to face your past, to fix yourself up in a so-called shaken present and to keep believing that whatever comes your way, the future is dependent upon you to create.

i like this idea of having a success picture of yourself... even the craziest you could ever imagine... and everyday you day-dream a little a bit about that... a graduation day with you throwing your hat up and jumping up in the sky... you at a presentation to your potential business partners, all looking sparkling with hope and prospect... you at your wedding day, as you walk down the aile and look up, that person standing, waiting for you gives you nothing more but a joyous, reassuring feelings that you've picked the right person when you meet him... you in the hospital all sweaty and tired but overwhelmed with happiness and excitement as the nurse hands you your first baby and your husband hug both of you warmly from behind... your family dinner, your parents, your parents in law, your husband and kids crowd around the table beaming with eagerness for the dishes you have specially made for everyone with love and care... to tell you the truth... i always have that picture... i don't have crazy salary scales or speedy promotions in my head... but i want all of the other stuff in my success story... if i can have all that, then sure i have made mistakes and wrong decisions in the past, so the characters in my story might differ a little bit...but so what... God will lead me to where i ought to be and i will end up exactly where i wanted.

it is just a matter of perspective. so do we really need to point fingers when we look at the past? or even the future? i got to be in this place. i got to marry this person. i got to this. i got to that. can we for once just give it a little bit for the magic of destiny to work on us? we'll do our best.... the rest will fall into place. :)

cheerio!

it is a queer feeling. that moment you are determined to close one chapter of your life to be ready to open the next door to what is left for you in this life. the memory is like flood water after a heavy rain. surely my feet yearns to dwell a little bit more in the familiarity and the comfort of a past i knew i had tried my best to live it. but i guess at some point in time we all have to take this step, no matter how difficult. because if not, we will all be wasting our time here and God certainly does not want us to do that.

so here i am - ready to take that leap of faith. and to trust again in something amazing called the Heaven's plan for us.

i know You are leading me day-by-day closer to who i ought to be. and i guess i should just for one lift up my feet and shake of that weariness and start walking a little more confidently, being a little more honest with the desires of my heart and start accepting the truth that we all are not perfect. sometimes at the moment, you just know it's right and it's fit and this is what you have got to do.

and here i am. hoping that we would all end up being happy. happy for ourselves and for each other. it does not have to be complicated. we are all made by God in one way or another and one day we all would find our perfect fit and that person will sure be glad that today i'm making this decision to move on.

dear God - please guide me through. i don't know how else to get through this if not for my faith in You.

well i don't know if this is always true. but if you have to wake up in the middle of the night and cry over something and make a decision right the next morning not to do it - then most probably it would turn out to be a wrong decision. i have never felt a damn much sense of regret like this one. most of the times,  perhaps i made the right decisions or perhaps i always had enough sensible reasons to carry on with them. this time, i have started to feel that ice-cold slap back at my face and to tell you the truth, the world is getting bitter. well parden the language and the attitude. i just need an avenue to wail. the beginning of something is always tough. one day you seem to have everything and the next day nothing. and even your bestest of friends can't understand the reasons you make everything so difficult. the truth is going-out-there-just-take-a-leap-of-faith-make-the-world-your-stage isn't easy as it sounds. so friends, let me curse it for a little while and i will find a way to fix it okay?

somehow i suddenly feel very happy. it could be the amazing doze of vitamins and that sudden realization that something is worth holding on to and it doesn't have to be complicated at all. simple story, simple things. let's build this friendship and we would all see what our future would bring. for all you know, we all would be a great whole bunch together. so i'd keep that tickling feeling away and just settle for the general rule. :) and i'm pretty happy the way we are now. :)

The beginning of college life is a tough one! A some-what "easy" option could turn out to be a huge challenge. The college blues have caught me crying, bruising, trying to pull myself up, and hell of a time of all that.

Well, guys, today is a good time for reflection. And I believe my life is going to change for the better from now you.

There are 3 things I would like to reflect upon today, yes 3 - the magic number for anything: firstly about 'The Price Tag', secondly, about 'The Dream', thirdly, 'You're my BFF'.

Ok, let's start with The Price Tag:

Having most of my modules allocated to me this semester, I did not really have to give too much effort into selecting the modules I wanted to take. Well, the arrangement of the timetable was quite a bit of an ordeal there though. On side of my academic journey, I was investing most of my time in finding out the activities I could take up during my first year of college time. And I have realized many important lessons, some about the world, some about myself, and some is about - well - just how things work. The first slap-point: something that bears a seemingly high prestige, has a resounding name, and rather impressive profile - might not be the best fit for yourself. It is important to really find out about an activity before joining it - to feel both the chemistry and the purpose of these activities and ask yourself what you can do there and what will you take out of it at the end. The second slap-point: something you have done a thousand times before and deemed a natural decision to pursue again - might suddenly become strangely difficult task. You realize the journey you have walked before was a wonderful time in the fairy land and now the reality starts to hit back. The heart-warming advice, gentle eyes and kind directions that you once experienced - now a judgemental, cold, hot-seating, eyes-starring, veins-popping experience awaiting you. Well, let's say: somehow you managed to got through and was offered the entrance ticket to the empire. The third slap-point: painful lessons you have learnt in the past will serve as a beacon of guiding lights you know if you suddenly wake up from your sleep one night, tears welling up in your eyes thinking: Am I really fitting in? and What should I do now? Well.... the answer would be pretty clear, if you come back into your heart. The last slap-point: you need to have the guts to do what it takes to follow the path you want yourself to.

Which leads me to explain what I meant by "The Price Tag". The morning I was supposed to write a very important email to give up a place in one thing, in order to allow myself the space and time to pursue one other important post and other things I had yet to figure out. I came online and received a message from Andy Andrews - a motivational writer whose newsletter I signed up for - it was a coincidence so fitting that I believed it was God's way to speak to me. He wrote in his article that life is like a giant supermart and everything has a price tag on it. You as one person only have so much budget in your hand in terms of finance, time, and effort. What are you going to pick and purchase on that shelf and how are you going to use it well enough? It was a pretty clear cut message to me and what I needed to do that morning. Well, I wrote that email, went for that interview and felt pretty much alright at the end of the day. I admit that I have always been a little ambitious. I wanted to do a lot of things. But now - I think it's about time I take it slow. The lesson Mrs. Tan taught me that day, remained a resounding message too. And not until now, I honestly felt thankful for it. She has taught me about the Price Tag, in a rather harsh way - but I learnt it.

And other factor that has influenced me to put back one time onto that shelf was that - the item I managed to get two years before that during my IB life was so wonderful that I doubt anything can top that. That night, Mr. Quek's and Mr. Connor's smiles the day I went in for ACSIS audition came back to me. And the growth I have gone through in their guiding hands and the fun, crazy, passionate ACSISians became an unforgettable, un-toppable experience in my Theatre life. I'm determined to bring back to ACSIS some thing - first thing first, the assortment at Social Night. :)

Well, long enough on that first tag - secondly, I'm going to talk about The Dream

Today I went for a career talk organized by the Alumni. To tell you the truth, many a time after apply for bioengineering, I have doubts about the choice I have made. I had an option to take up a double degree in Econs and Biz elsewhere - but I did not take that. Well I was convinced that I was not going to regret this decision - but the thing that I could not be certain about was that: so what I am going to do now to make this worth. Today I think I have found most of the answers of my question. And here are the items on my to-do list right now:

1. Find my passion - followed by developing a goal.
2. Work hard for a 1st Class Honour Degree.
3. Find good activities that would help enrich my uni. life.
4. Create a unique experience for myself.
5. Take care of the 6 pokes in my wheel: Career, Family, Friends, Health, Wealth and Spiritual Life. (not in order, they're all very important).

well...a little peep into my dream of my 30th birthday celebration - I'm with my family, parents, my brother's family. My husband (whom I have known and loved for a long time) - and my two little kids (a boy and a girl - pretty, cute, chubby? haha). Having earned enough from a good job, where I can make some good contributions, taking care of people, developing a good product. I want to be able to afford a certain lifestyle so well I'm gonna work hard for the big bucks - but that is not the only thing. I would like to give talks once in a while, inpsire young people, sowing seeds, cultivating new unique individuals. And getting home early enough to pick up my two kids, cook my husband's favourite meal. They say behind a great man there's a great woman - so yep, my husband is going to have the best support from me!  And then I'm gonna go to my kids and teach my kids how to write and speak good English. They say kids form their personalities from pretty young - so well... mommy is gonna be there in your early years! :) Well... a little perfect picture I paint there - you might think. Too perfect maybe?! But I'm not a perfectionist, not anymore. My point is: I'm not painting this to scare you about my commitments. I know there are still a lot of change to go through. And I don't mind if it turns out a little different. one thing I'm sure of right now is that all the people standing there are the people I love and I'm where I am right there because of the decisions I'm making now. Well... I should start somewhere with a picture... so yes, for the purpose of that. :) a little here, a little there - challenging - yep! but it's beautiful too.

And this takes me to the last point before you leave me with a goodnight :) I just want to say that "You're my BFF"

Well probably if you are reading this page - you would be among one of those people whom I've known and loved for a very long time. That's why you know my URL anyway! :) 

My point is when life gets difficult, it draws you closer to a network of support you always have, but probably have failed to value very much. The time here has been rather challenging - emotionally, psychologically, even physically (moving boxes from one place to another - imagine that!). I have received the support from my family and friends and was able to share, talk to, support them a lot more. And I guess it is a sense of trust that has been planted in each of us - at the end of the day, it's good to know that if all else fails, there's one person who would never press that reject button when you call just to scream about how bad your day was or to ask the most minimal thing like can I borrow twenty cents for laundry? Little things, big old friends there man! :)

Not gonna lengthen this and have a scolding from my big fellas about sounding cheesy. :P With that, I would like to say Cheers to a hell of a beginning of college life. Hope it's gonna be smooth from here. Goodluck! and Jia-yo!

hello world

recently i think you have seen enough of the black-and-blue me - one who refuses to even rejoice a little bit in the fact that she has ended exactly in where she was hoping and planning for.

i am sorry if there were times when the stress of the changes has led me to take for granted the blessings you have given.

i know i need to do the difficult task now. and really doing it. not just think that i'd do it. or plan that i'd do it. and then give myself excuses for not doing it at all.

now i understand my own pattern of behaviors and i am determined to control my own feelings.

i am going to give him the space that he needs. i am going to be behind him. supporting and caring him. trusting that i would still be the friend he turns to when he needs.

i am not going to let the ugly feelings destroy this relationship and i am not going to doubt the actions.

it can't get worse if i don't let it. sometimes gripping too hard onto something is just gonna make it snap sooner. easing it out. letting it go. pulling back a little bit. hopeful the bond will draw closer. even if it doesn't, i know i have tried my best and done the right thing.

the very next time i see him. i am going to greet him with the biggest smile on my face. and say sorry if i haven't been smiling so much the past few days and i hope he would understand. and from then on - whenever he needs help, he is sad, he needs encouragement, i would always be there. i know he has his own adventure out there and i am going to be cheering him on. and then i have my own and i believe he has always been around to support me through. and for that i should be thankful instead of asking for me.

i know we're gonna make it work! :)

Maybe I didnt treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didnt love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasnt died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Maybe I didnt hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
Im so happy that youre mine
If I make you feel second best
Girl, Im sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasnt died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind

"Always on my mind" lyrics

there is a fine line of following a plan and spontaneity. strict guidelines or flexibility. right now well at least i want to have a rough ideas. be aware of the options. i guess so. it is hard to ignore it all. but it is harder to plan because you don't even know where to start. something seems incredibly structured could turn out to be utterly confusing. i need some inspirations here. that's for sure. :P

it is still hard to believe. they say after the storm comes a calm, warm, beautiful day. what happened in my life seems minimal and humble compared to the adversities in many others' lives. i understand that. but still, any suffering is still suffering and pain still pain.

but right now it seems like i've found that break of dawn. that scene of the beautiful orange shade of the sun crowning upon the skyline. the one i have been waiting, praying for, wanting to believe so much in and trying hard to get there. it seems like it is finally here. it seems like happiness is not that difficult to achieve.

i know i was during that turmoil time as an extremely difficult person to bare with. - but i thank you for sticking with me. and guiding me through.

it seems that i don't want to question nor worry anymore. the steps i'm taking seem right. well actually i'm not certain they're right. but at least i'm sure i'm gonna be running that marathon towards my goals someday.

here is what i really want: i want to have good knowledge. i want to have a good job where i can contribute towards something. to deliver good products. to enhance quality of life. i want to be able to support my parents and let them live the life they deserve because they have been the hardest, most sacrifying, most selfless workers i have ever seen. i want to build a family with my partner. i want to get along great with my partner's family and him with mine. i want to have many children. little beautiful boys and girls whom my partner and i would raise and watch they go through the wonderful adventures of their lives.

and i realize i do want a lot of things. towards an extent of being a perfectionist. but it's not really the point. the point is that even if i don't get the best - it is possible for me to say now that i can create the best out of it with the Lord's guidance and the love of those around me.

moreover - one thing that makes me feel i'm so blessed right now is that i'm at exactly the place i want to be for my post-ib graduation. i have a part time job where i've met a great friend - Mae. a great place to lodge in. a warm-hearted room-mate - Chi Minh Y. novena as my back-yard. 15-minutes walk from my best friend's. a place to invite my other best friend over, to cook her a good meal, to watch a good movie and laugh and talk like old times. some pocket money to invest on the things that would last, that help build my confidence and teach me that if i feel good about life, i'd learn to give back more. and so i did try my part.

and of course the most precious - my family - who visit me so often now. :) and i'm hoping to be a great host here.

thank you God. thank you everything. and specially the dearests. :) you know who you are. cheers.

at a scholarship interview, a professor asked me one question - which and whose answer i think i should remember til the rest of my life - in a good way of course :)

he asked me which university in the States i would have chosen - i answered Harvard. and then he asked me ten years down the road, when i looked back til this date, would i ever regret my decision of choosing to stay here?

i answered him: no. a very honest and decisive no. it even surprised me. firstly, i believe that it is not the university that decides entirely your future or how one turns out to be; the education one gets really depends mostly on oneself

secondly, this place has grown to be my second home. much like i have confessed or proclaimed or so to speak at the day of my ib result, i wanted to stay here. it is in the heart of asia pacific. it is near to home. and i believe if i base my career here, i can do a lot for the people you need me.

and there is always one last reason - the one you would not say at interviews, you would not tell your parents or your best friends, you would not confess - it is one in your heart - no matter how your head analyzes your options, deciding which path to take by weighing the pros and cons carefully. at the end of the day the moment to click that button on the acceptance page - your heart takes over the lead. i know i'm here for a reason. and i strongly believe in the power to turn things around and make it work. i have a responsibility towards my family, my friends and it's time i think more for them than for myself. i've done being selfish my whole life. i was once bursting with ambitions and stubborn to take that departure. but the destination does not cease to change if your heart still does not decide to settle down. and for sure, right now, i think i know what i really want. :) and i would never regret it.

i know it seems crazy at times and sure, i did freak out, was scared of the decisions i was about to make. but at this moment, it seems right and if it gets crazy again i just have to remember these reasons. nothing can go wrong from here. it is just a matter of faith and commitment. :)

i am writing in great gratitude for all the good news that we have received for the past few weeks. the nights of prayers passed through me like a testimony to the power of faith, hope and belief in the caring hand of God. and the spirit of my grandmother - for i know, it doesn't matter whether or not we believe in the parallel world of heaven where our loved ones have passed on to, somehow i believe that they still care for us very much in the same loving way they did when they were alive. so i am thankful for that reassuring faith.

yet again - during that moments where i was supposed to be jumping with joy - at times i found myself going paranoid in the exact same way i have always been - it is like somehow my emotional neurotic pathways have been wired to lead me to react in a certain way. i worry a lot. sometimes i over-worry in a exorbitantly unreasonable amount. then i ask myself one question - what is going to decide the extent of happiness i feel? - it shouldn't be the fragments of unpleasant past experiences - sure bad things did happen, things i had planned did go wrong, people did fall out, dreams did fall apart, hearts did sometimes get broken, friends did cheat - but then i can't let the past haunt me anymore. it is about i trust in myself - and i need to trust in my own ability to make people around me happy and make myself happy. it shouldn't be the future i constructed in my mind based on the superficial first impression about uni. life either. i haven't been there yet. i haven't even crossed the beginning line yet. somethings that have been there - people's tradition set and displayed in a certain way - it doesn't mean that my life would fall in exactly the same as that. it is not a prescription. i definitely have the ability to make it my own.

sometimes i go crazy yet. sometimes i wonder and sometimes i freak out about a lot of things.

making a decision at that crossroads was certainly not easy - but it really has surprised me how happy and contented i am right now about the decisions i have made. i know they are not perfect decisions. i'm sure at times there would be certain things that go haywire. i am not sure of the future either. but for one thing i have learnt, i would feel so much happier if i make a decision that in harmony with the world around me and not one that poke through like an arrow shooting far away - i finally realize to get to my target, there is always a harmonious way to get there, not one that is direct but pierces through everything else.

so here i am. waiting for a mango pudding to set. i have decided to put my worries down. put my guards down. just do what i can. and enjoy the rest of the summer.

somebody at the beginning of this year 2009 told me: "Sister, i know 2009 would be a good year for you". and it is indeed. her wish to me was the most wonderful new year greetings. everything i have dreamt of came to me - and i realized i did put in certain effort on my part - but it couldn't possibly just happen like that without somebody who has been patiently hearing my prayers every night. knowing i have had a suffering and insisting of carrying me and granting my the wish of my heart. and without the loving people around me, my family, my loving friends, Agi especially, Han as well - i would never have been this much happy today.

sure there are still a lot of things to worry about - uhm sorry, to care about. :) but i'm standing strong and would make it a point to not over-worry. just be happy and do my part. :)

for one thing i know - those beautiful dreams you have in yourself - as long as they are for a good course - they make you and the people around you happy - and if you keep your focus fixed on making them come true - chances they will some day. so keep it up! :)

i have had a great day today. and before I have lost all the urge to have any dear-diary moments - i'd better write this one in my journal... :)

so i woke up from a long, relaxed sleep to a beautiful saturday morning. and by beautiful i mean you know ahead of you is going to be no stress, no work, no hassle buzzle, no fear, no fret... no diet... :) after a refreshing shower i watched a couple episodes of "How I met your mother" and also a complete movie of "A Walk to Remember" solely from youtube. after which i decided to head to Starbucks to have my morning coffee instead of resorting to my normal wake-up instant rituals. so i walked to united square in my favourite red striped fox top and my pumpkin skirt. at starbucks i ordered my favour caramel frappuchino - which was totally a treat.

then Agi joined me and we started talking about tech stuff - which led to us deciding to head to Sim Lim square in search of an ipod. before which we filled our stomach with kfc value meals - which was quite a good deal and i got back to my guilty pleasure - the cheese fries.

at sim lim square, Agi found his long-awaited itouch at a real deal. :) it is true to say it is a great feeling seeing your best friend ever so happy. :) it is then that i realized the value of sth crosses way beyond the borderline of practicality and consumability. :)

then i met up with Han later on in the afternoon. we planned to go for this exhibition at the national library - to which we were denied entry because it was a public holiday. but the crude denial turned out to be good because we had more time to discover incredible things at a charity flea market nearby on Middle Road. where i ran into my secondary school friend, Marie - who was running a stall there herself. she had this business of selling handmade jewelries, handbags, shoes and loads of other cool stuff. :) i bought 2 necklaces and now i can proudly wear them and share with my friends the interesting stories behind those. :) also at the flea market i bought a japanese fabric pouch at only 10 dollars. Han bought a few nice pouches and bags, and jewelry for her cousins. i don't have that many cousins who are girls and the little guy babies definitely would ask for sth else. :)

then we headed for more shopping at bugis. where we both found this outfit that we both wanted to try out. it is a new style for both of us. and we decided to buy them. :)

dinner with Han was at Pastamania - our favourit pasta place. i dug in for the tuna & turkey bacon pasta while Han ordered the unagi supreme pizza. had a fun talk and also discussed over uni. matters. certainly, there's a whole new journey ahead of us.

i went home feeling so happy. and right now looking forward to my brother's visit to Singapore. really really much.

after all it's true - enjoy life when you still can. :) not that you ever cannot. but if you wake up saying i'm going to have a good day today, i love God and i'm thankful for my life - chances are you are going to have a great day. sure there could be bad happenings - but a little positivity turns it sunny-side-up. :)

famine camp is in about 3 weeks time - better get used to fasting for 30 hours. tough call - but i'm glad to finally be able to join world vision.

:) in deep gratitude - i'd pray for the coming week - and for the long-awaited results to come soon. :)

of all the thoughts that have crossed my mind for the past couple of weeks. one thing i realize for myself is that the power of being able to see the positive side of things is one of the most important wisdom in life.

at some point in time, i can see that the negative side effects of being an over-achiever - and the pressure of being expected to always be one - will take their tolls on one sooner or later. the itchiness of trying to avoid seeing the mad rush to success scratches one hard and starts to churn out doubts on oneself - leading to the ultimate evil question - what might i have become if i have chosen a different path? 

it is difficult facing that question when you're looking back. but it is even more difficult facing that question upon making the current decision for your life.

i admire people who can sail through life without questioning. it seems that they have not a little tint of doubt in the heaven's plan for life. and i think we should ask less of the what-ifs. and make the best of what is given. it is easier to say than do - but again, very possible.

i could see also the negative effects of being some where you didn't fit and trying to become someone - it seems like it has changed me more for the negatives - than for the positive. surprisingly. ironically.

but at the end of the day - i'm not gonna let it. you know.

i would still come back to my own self - to whom i want to be. i'm going to have faith in the Lord. knowing that he is going to have mercy on us and watch over us.

more often than not - it is just the beginning now. i'm thankful for the journey in the past and ready for the journey ahead. it is never too late to really live life to the fullest.

most of the source of unhappiness comes from doubts and self conflicts. so the best solution is just don't fit yourself into the inflatable puppet shoes anymore - just pursue your goals, your dreams, and the plans you have ahead. your pragmatic decisions do not mean that you are settled for the less ideal ones. it means you have figured out and going to take the most suitable paths to reach your final destination. and if you can't be happy with it - you only suffer from it. so why bother? :) just go ahead with it. see it through in a positive eye. after all - we only have one life to live. i believe in self effort. motivation. inspiration. seek it in yourself and in others.

i can still see hope in the future you know. and i figure out i should do some damage control of what the past has done on me. and im willing to learn from the good things it has given me as well.

so hello world - this is me. and im going to switch back that graph you have given me. it's not so much how people see you - it's how you perceive yourself - the confidence you carry can make wonders. so don't doubt it.

make it fun! make it worth!

jia-yo and all the best everybody.

yours heartily.

mom and aunt Dung were here for a few days to catch the Founder's Day ceremony at school. i had such a great weekend. something that has restored so much energy and love in life. the inspiration. the heart-warming moments shared. we went shopping all over Singapore and the laughter was just rejuvenating. for sure good memories dwell with everything around that seems to still be carrying a little of that joy in there.

went to Agi's for a discussion about university, watched Juno and ate fried rice. i made french flan. :)

hearing the story of Mr Alex Go left me with admiration for him. reminds me of the stories of my own parents. reminds me of... that wonderful strength inside of one person. that amazing force. and the cute story of 3 brothers and sister on the jeepney sparkles a new inspiration in me to write. :) i like real life stories that make your heart smile, make you love and truly appreciate the little things in life.

here is a little song whose tune i quietly hum in the middle of this rainy night... ending a wonderful weekend....seemingly passed by like a dream i did not want to be awaken from... :) tomorrow is going to be a new day. but i know God would watch over me. i pray with a grateful and hopeful heart that He bless my loved family and friends.


You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you

the moldy peaches - anyone else but you - Juno's soundtrack

i see myself getting into the same situation again. work commitment really wrestles with my heart's desires sometimes. it is a very painful situation. i think that is why i'm trying hard to ponder upon a university course to take. i do not want to feel bad about something i really want to do. and i don't think in this crazy world, there is space for understanding. we want you for the job and that is it. so sometimes you work very hard for one thing and the very few minutes of rewards you thought you have long deserved becomes impossible for you to enjoy, because you already caught your neck into another rung of robe.

the dragon lady's words scarred me for life.

just a word of advice. go where your passion lies. don't do it just for the good money. because then the rest of your life sucks.

unless you are very ready to be heartless and emotionless. then maybe you could try. taking out than human part and just donate blood n sweat to the job. but at the end of the day, the only job that worth your agony is the one you love most. you see, the irony!

well, but again, i'm thankful i can work. thankful, i say to myself. dot dot dot.

anyway, i have internet now. which means hooray! and which means... what i need in my life... CONNECTIONS... and keeping in TOUCH... i have lost so much to be safe and secure now... if you ask me, i admit it. being strong and trying to be strong is two completely different things.

Upon leaving the house last Thursday to go to the airport, I strangely did not have to lift up my heavy feet, overcoming the inertia of stepping through the gate, or saying goodbye. In my stomach, the familiar churning motion of the stomach, the papillating valves of my heart were no longer there. Did I just get used to departing already? Or did I just know inside of me, this is just going to be another episode of adventure, and at the end, I am going to come back to where I belong?

 

After not having written in this journal for a long time, well, there might be long stories to tell, or the collective memories of what my heart and mind have chosen to document.

 

Home

Firstly, perhaps I’d talk a little bit about my new house. It is a cozy apartment on Shan Road, in Balestier area. It is spectacularly clean and organized. It is exceptionally convenient for me. But of all the good reasons why I picked this house, the top of it is because the people here are kind people. I mean, of all things to believe in, I want to be around people who are good, kind and caring. And be learning and adopting their good values and most importantly, to pay it forward. People who are ready to help others. People who do not put the materialistic values on top. People who are ready to be open, without that thresh hold “she is just a stranger”. I think life is basically good and so are people. And many parts of my life are blessed of having met them.

 

But again, I miss home. And I cried the whole of the first night. No other place feels the same. No matter how warm, how convenient. It is a normal human condition to be yearning to be back into that cradle again.

 

Choices

Secondly, I know recently I have been in much of a chaos. The tremendous turmoil of making choices. You know you could only do your best. People say I shouldn’t be bound by obligations or be swayed to choose the safer, easier option. But perhaps, it is not like that. It is not the safer, easier option for myself, although it might appear so to others. Some say, “It’s you who are going to university, not your parents”. Or “You should live your dreams”. But at the end of the day, perhaps, my dreams are different. Career aspiration is very important. But perhaps to me, something else is. I do not really view these as obligations, more like motivational factors. I was once young and ambitious, and I had already tasted the bitter-sweet of it all. Perhaps, I’m not that kind of person. My picture of the future used to be different. Success to me, has also changed it meanings.

 

I just want everyone to know, especially my loved ones, that well, you are who I think of when I make my choices. But you do not have to worry that because of you, I have to do this or that. But you are my motivations and not obligations. Perhaps, I make myself responsible because in fact, that IS what makes me happy. Not because it is a cliché list of duties that I want to fulfill. So please do not take it to yourself and blame the complications of relationship. I am not bound by the regiments of that, but it is time I listen to my heart and I will not later regret my decision.

 

For myself, I need to convince me that many things would be uncertain. And no, I’m not sure of anything. I do not know what will happen and I won’t force anything to be anywhere. But I believe that everything requires effort. And I am willing to make them. I have let go of many things that I know I can’t hold on to any longer. But there are other beautiful parts of life that I am willing to sacrifice for.

 

So, for all those who are making the most important decisions of their life at the moment, I wish you all the clearest of mind, the soundest of heart, and the closest your soul to God’s voice. May you know your dream inside and may you be empowered to follow it. You owe it to yourself to make good effort. Because I know, one day, you’d become the butterfly.

 

Pain

 

Perhaps I do not choose the events, the accidents in my life. But I do choose my experience and reactions to those events. Pain by defintion is a lack of love. Pain is the vehicle of the heart. I am always trusting myself to a better world.

Bruce Davis – “The Magical Child Within You”

 

Right now, I don’t really wish for anything but to be a good friend to those who have been around. After all, sometimes, our heart cries out of the fear of not knowing whether someone would be there for you. I think friendship should go beyond the words and definitions. Sometimes, you know that it does exist, because of the many things your friends have done for you. And it is important that when you feel lonely, you know how to come back to the core of your relationship and remind yourself what it means to you. You must not question your friend, question God, or question yourself about why you are left lonely. You must not seek temporary pleasures or shallow fun to fill the gap of your heart. You must be strong inside, to maintain the friendship you have and be open to love when it comes to you. You must not be desperate and weary. You must respect and support your friends always.

 

Tears

Are the most powerful reliever of sadness, stress, homesickness, loneliness, and sometimes the expression of happiness. Some people do not cry, but live with a heavy heart all their life. Some people cry a lot, but can laugh the next second, like a baby. I think I belong to the next category. It’s like, come on, there is so much in life to be happy about. I want to let go of my sadness quickly and go beyond what seems to be the end and create a better alternative future. Don’t worry. I’m not burdened by what happens. More like, I’d shed my tears, wipe it up and ready to see what I can do about it. It’s better than to jump into hasty conclusions. I really don’t believe much in general rules in life: women are like that, men are like that, love is like that, uni. is life that, singapore is life that, america is like that… well, you only live truly, if you can cross the barriers of that rush of emotional rides. And in my tears, I dump most of them away. Leaving me more ready to face the reality and be happy no matter what.

 

I think I wanna grow up more like a child. To be a mature child. Perhaps. Is better than to be a childish adolescence.